Preparing Children for a Separation or Divorce
Every newborn enters the world with a fear of abandonment that gradually diminishes as the parents fulfill the child's needs for nourishment, physical well-being and unconditional love. Parents are their child's first teachers. A child's identity is fashioned in their family. Children naturally assume that they will be growing up with two parents and when one of them leaves, they become concerned that the other one may also leave.
It is natural for parents to want to protect their children from painful events. Consequently, parents are often hesitant and fearful of discussing a death or divorce with their children. A parent's instinct is to delay this conversation as long as possible. This is not an easy thing to tell your children. Children are aware something is wrong at all ages. Usually, a child can handle the truth when the truth is told to them by someone they know and trust.
Before sitting down with your children, there are some areas of concern to work through:
- Are you feeling guilty or anxious?
- Are you feeling abandoned or relieved?
- Are you blaming and want to get even?
- Are you concerned about crying?
- Do you have expectations as to how the children need to respond?
It would be beneficial for you to discuss these issues with a trusting, objective friend or counselor before you talk to your children. As a parent, it is imperative that you remain non-judgmental, and speak calmly and clearly during this conversation. Remember, a child's first language was non-verbal. It is okay for you to cry. As parents, you need to clearly communicate your love, involvement and acceptance of your children.
If only one parent is able to talk with the children, the burden is heavier for that parent. Keep in mind the parent needs to be as honest as possible, while remaining focused on the issues between the parent that is present and the children.not the issues between the two parents.
Checklist for Preparing the Children for Separation or Divorce
Children can accept the truth of the separation/divorce when:
- The truth is told to them by someone they know and trust.
- The children receive current, accurate information as soon as possible. They have probably already "felt that something was happening".
- The children are allowed to ask questions freely.
- The children's input is asked as to their needs during this changing time.
- All negative comments, stories or accusations of their other parent are not mentioned.
- The truth is said simply, like "Mom and Dad have grown in different directions and living together is too difficult". Keep in mind that it hurts children to hear negative things about their parents.
- The children are told repeatedly that a separation/divorce will not change the fact their Mom and Dad are both still their parents. This is a major concern!
- Children are told in a familiar setting. They need to feel comfortable to share their thoughts.
- The children know you love them. Don't be afraid to hold and comfort your children.
- Begin by talking about events the children may have already noticed, i.e. argument, tears, sleeping in separate rooms. Children will learn to understand why these things have happened.
- If you can't answer a question that the children have asked, be honest and let them know you will tell them when you have an answer or why you can't answer that question.
- Assure the children that this is not their fault. Many children believe that if they had behaved in a different manner, their parents would still be together. To children, their parents are perfect.
- Children will believe that the parents will get back together. They need to know if this is not the case, so they will not fantasize about it.
- When planning the living arrangements, imagine how the children will feel. Read books on the subject and then set aside time to go over your finds with the children.
- Encourage your children to go for help like counseling and/or support groups. Be a role model by attending a support group yourself
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